I wrote this a little while ago and have been very nervous about publishing it as I am rather embarrassed about it. I soon realized I’m just embarrassed by the stigma. If I want to help destigmatize mental illness I have to be brutally honest and candid. So this is me trying to do my part.
Today I showered and washed my hair. It was my first shower in four days and my first hair wash in more than a week.
Disgusting right? I quite agree but I can’t seem to drum up enough energy to give a flying fuck.
I want to care but I just don’t. What’s the point? The chronic pain won’t go away, the depression and anxiety won’t go away, I can’t wash myself away…so I’d rather languish in my own filth.
I can’t explain it because I don’t fully understand why I feel this way. I guess if I have to try; I’d say showering and especially hair washing seem like exhausting feats. I feel like…what’s the point? I’ll just have to do it again and again and again and that seems so ineffectual.
I’ve read up about this, asked an Occupational Therapist about it, asked my psychologist about it and I am comforted knowing certain aversions to various forms of hygiene happen to others suffering from mental illness. HUZZAH! My abnormality is normal!
I’ve identified the problem pattern but I still haven’t figured out a way to get past it inspite of trying many different ideas. I’ve tried using my favorite scented products, playing music, buying pretty loofahs, mindful showering, but I can’t seem to scrub-a-dub-dub my aversion away.
For now I spray on dry shampoo and use extra deodorant, a spritz of perfume and hope this too shall pass.
If anyone out there has experience with this depressed disinclination towards showers and baths please know you’re not alone.
If you have methods that have worked for you and others I’m all ears…don’t worry I washed behind them this morning 😉