For the past month or so I’ve been wanting to write multiple blog entries. Ideas swirl round my mind, but like wily minnows, they slip through my fingers as I try to grab hold. I’ve only managed to spit out one or two blogs since my birthday at the beginning of August.
I write down drips and drabs and scribble notes on tiny scraps of paper or in one of a million notebooks and diaries. When I can think clearly it all comes together and my fingers fly across the keyboard and I can see the pattern building, the web I’m going to weave.
I suppose I haven’t really been slacking off too much. My focus has just temporarily changed to something a little less fun. I might have known, as I’m new to web design, “easy to use,” would mean, absolutely not easy to use if you’re a Luddite and the last time you learned web design was in 1998. I’m afraid those skills are just a titch out of date.
Luddite or not, I’m proud to say I’ve been working on a new website for my blog, as you may have noticed. http://www.perkreations.com will eventually also hold tons of easy to access mental health material. In addition, I plan to use the platform to showcase some of my art and offer cards, prints and originals for sale.
I use art, especially, as a coping mechanism when I’m in pain. I believe in pushing through the ugliness of art, that’s how you get to the good stuff. I usually manage to do this with drawing as I do it in a reclined position, on a heating pad.
Having said that, if I’m standing at an easel trying to paint it’s hard to push through anything when pain makes me feel I’ve a mind full of marshmallows, shakey hands, and a yucky sweaty face… these pain symptoms aren’t to be pushed through as the consequences will be incredibly painful and I don’t want to create a full-blown flare-up. In cases like this, I must put down my brush and come back to the easel after some rest.
The trouble with pushing through chronic pain is for many sufferers there is no end, just worse. The symptoms I mentioned, shakey hands, marshmallow mind and a sweaty face are just a few of the indicators I get that I’ve reached the end of my tether. Others may get rashes from the pain, experience swelling, feel cranky, irritable, anxious, depressed, guilty and more. Everyone with chronic pain is different and we all have our ways of coping and signs of overdoing it.
If I go out one day and run an errand, write or work on my site a bit, go about the chores needing to be done to keep the house somewhat clean, then, even though I’m feeling sore and exhausted, I go out for dinner or meet a friend for coffee, I will pay for “pushing through the pain” with even worse pain that renders me useless for several days after.
I suffer from disc problems in my low back, hip issues, nerve pain and arthritis in my left leg, I also get sciatica pain. All of these pains sing to me in different tones or sometimes as a hellish choir. Some pains whisper one moment, then yoddle a moment later. As in, “Oh Fuck, my sciatica is yoddling!”
Sometimes it feels not too bad and is well managed with medication, knowing my limits and stretching. Sometimes the pain increases for no reason at all, sometimes it’s related to stress, and sometimes I overdo it. The trouble is the, “overdo it,” line isn’t always in the same place so it’s confusing as hell to figure out what’s too much and what’s too little. My body continually moves the goalposts on me.
I do not have pain-free days, I do not have pain-free hours. This is just how it is and over the past 12 years I’ve become better at handling the pain as well as anxiety and depression.
One particular thing that holds me back is pain fog. It limits my capacity to concentrate, stay calm, remember things, it’s as though all the different pains are singing a horrible, no good, very bad song in my head and if I have to think or focus on something complex like writing or decision making, I’m useless.
So, my website is coming along, although slower than planned. I am writing, although slower than I’d like. When the pain is bad I turn to my heating pad and create art to eventually have available on my website.
Do you experience pain fog? What’s it like for you? If you don’t have chronic pain had you heard of pain fog or brain fog? If you have any questions I’d love to hear from you dear readers.