Yack-ity-yak, Anxiety is Back!

Recently I’ve noticed my general anxiety level has been steadily rising and I don’t know why. In spite of feeling reasonably good about myself, which is major progress, I seem to have backtracked anxiety wise. I’ve even had several panic attacks in recent weeks that have left me shaking and crying and cuddling my kitty.

Anxiety makes me feel like it’s all moving too fast😱

My habit of constantly second-guessing myself about every decision I make has come back to haunt me and I’m frustrated as I worked so hard to slaughter that beast. I’ve found some of the fears I had overcome have returned without warning or reason.

When my anxiety was at its worst about 5 years ago I developed a fear, first of taking turns or bends while driving, especially on highways. This fear then morphed into a full-blown fear of highway driving.

A few days ago I drove my new car, this likely added to the anxiety, to a nearby small town with a notoriously steep hill one must descend into town. I found myself growing more and more uncomfortable. The fear bubbled up with each curve on the way there and I couldn’t stop thinking of that steeply curved hill.

By the time the hill came along I was doing my best to breath deeply but wanting to hyperventilate, shaking badly and repeatedly picturing all the different ways I was going to die in a fiery crash or cause deadly accidents for which I’d be arrested and locked up in jail where I’d be beaten and berated as a murderer (yes, my mind is a fucked up place).

This is a great example of how anxiety grows and grows until it either becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy or one makes it through to panic another day. I tried all of the anxiety tricks I’ve collected over the years; deep breathing, listening to calming music, singing along with music I know well, leaning back in my seat and forcing myself to feel my body relax, checking my assumptions and reminding myself I’ve gone down this hill many times before and always survived, focusing my attention on rhythmically checking each mirror, my speed, and where the other cars near me are situated.

I think I did a fairly good job coping with the hill so I made sure to pat myself on the back for keeping myself as calm as possible in spite of my urge to either put my hazard lights on and drop my speed to 10km an hour, or abandon my car, walk the rest of the way down and have my car towed home.

I guess the point of this story is that it’s best to have a whole bunch of options to choose from when panicking. I tried a whole bunch of things and then found the final few that worked. Had I only one way of coping with my anxiety that situation in my car might have been a major problem.

So, collect as many tools as you can in order to combat both anxiety and depression. I hope I am able to keep more of these attacks from happening and I can keep my general anxiety at a low grade. I’ll be using many of the tools I mentioned earlier and many others to help me cope.

A number of my other blogs contain information about coping with anxiety, if you search the terms, anxiety and panic attacks they’ll all pop up for your perusal. In the future, I plan to start a page dedicated and frequently updated with ways of coping with anxiety.

*please note I am not a medical professional, I am just a person who’s been struggling with anxiety, depression and chronic pain for 13 years. The ideas for helping with anxiety in this article are just tricks I’ve picked up throughout my battle.

K

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Ode to my Anxiety Monster

To me, anxiety is a monster and the monster is made up of an infinite mouth space filled with infinite steely, sharp teeth, all the better to gnaw me with, and infinite blood-shot eyes, all the better to follow me with.

The more relaxed and calm I am the further away the monster feels from me. Sometimes I might even forget the monster is around at all.

As soon as anxiety creeps in the mouth filled with sharp teeth and eyeballs begins to close in on me. The more panicked I become the tighter the space around me gets until soon I’m not just anxious about what’s worrying me I’m also anxious about the anxious monster.

Below is a drawing and a poem about what it’s like to feel trapped in the monster with the anxiety moving in closer and closer and closer…

Anxiety has its teeth in me
Stabbed in my back where u cant see
I’m alone but it’s with me
Despite my trys to set it free
I’m battered, beaten&broke down
In depression I may drown
Alone&useless but that’s me
Trapped inside my own body

Can you relate? Tell me what anxiety is to you? what does it look like? How does it feel?

K

Passion Practice 

Author Malcolm Gladwell posits to gain expertise at something one must put in roughly 10,000 hours of practice and study.

I believe I have my 10,000 in many aspects of curling. I believe I have roughly 10,000 hours accumulated in writing and reading but I feel I could do with another 50,000 hours of study before obtaining the expertise in literature and how to craft prose without sounding like a poseur. 

I was recently asked by someone trying to get a feel for how serious I am about art,”When did you last make art?,”  

I immediately replied, “last night before bed. I try to practice drawing and/or painting every day.”

I’ve been asked about this too with regards to writing and the answer is generally the same. I work hard to practice whatever I want to gain skill at every single day whenever possible because, for me, this is what keeps me moving closer to competence and , eventually, expertise. 

I find my confidence grows the more I practice. I try to vary my studies. I read a bizarrely broad range of books. I try writing in as many genres as possible. With art I experiment with as many different mediums and styles as I can.

Sure there is reading material I prefer but I try to mix it up in order to see what I might be missing. I am often surprised to find myself enjoying things I felt skeptical about at first.

There are also styles of writing I enjoy but I try everything from Haiku to science fiction. Again I am always surprised to find myself enjoying an unexpected new writing style. Art is also always surprising me. The more I learn, the more I grow to llove the practice.  

My wish is that everyone has a chance to work towards exploration, achievement, and advanced knowledge in whatever one finds a passion for, be it anything from plumbing to flower arranging.

Knowledge is power, skills are transferable and practice is a huge part of growing and learning and stoking the passion within us all.

K

Anxiety Cycle

I’m feeling paralyzed again. Mind can’t think and body feels like it’s vibrating. Chest is tight. Breathing seems hard to regulate. Too deep or too shallow, that’s me.

How many days now? Four I suppose. When will this cycle end?

Painted today and that helped for a while.🖌🎨

Tired of avoiding caffeine.  I like a good cup of coffee or 2 but I just can’t tolerate it when I feel this jangled.🍵🍵 Not even decaf.

This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass.This will pass. This will pass. 

Right?!

K

Facing Anxiety – Small steps are still steps

And anxiety takes over yet again and the more I fight it the harder it tugs. Sinking in quicksand. Will I ever find my feet? 👣

Would that I could wish it away but wishes like that just beg it to stay. Scanning thoughts to find the cause. Scanning because it’s not obvious. Trouble is, when I’m unsure, the more I scan the more I find to be anxious about.

Last night I couldn’t nail it down but it comes into sharp focus this morning. I am venturing out to watch my friends son curl and although I am excited I am also terrified.😨

I’m heading back to a place where many of my dreams came to be. Where many of my dreams came true. So much history. Unfortunately this is not a world I’ve been part of for years. Now I’m outside looking in.👀

My injuries keep me away and I live in fear of questions about what I’m doing now, where I’ve been. I thought I’d set the curling world on fire someday.♨ It’s hard to make disability leave sound hopeful. 

Back to this morning.🌞 I arrived and watched my friend’s son play and he had a great time and so did I. I did see people I knew but, of course, they were all gracious and kind and genuinely curious about what I was up to.❤

I’m glad I went today. It was scary but I feel good about it. I don’t know when or if I’ll be back on a more permanent basis but that’s OK. I don’t have to have it all figured out just yet. Small steps are still steps after all.👣

K