Enough

So, after a two month stay in the hospital for severe depression and what turned out to be a severly low hemoglobin count I’ve been at home for more than a month. I’m feeling better about my life in general. In fact, most days, the prospect of getting out of bed doesn’t feel so overwhelming I suspect my head will explode.

Yeah me!

I think I’m actually on the mend. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my friends and family who’ve been supportive and caring in so many wonderful ways during this difficult time. I also owe heaps of thanks to the many kind and patient Dr’s and Nurses and hospital staff.

I’ve been doing well at keeping my expectations realistic. I’ve been spending a lot of time indulging in long-lost rituals of self-care, and self-love. And I’ve been trying to function in a manner that gives love back into my community. 

But I’m not on top of it all yet. I could easily make a list pages and pages long of gratitude I owe and people I haven’t reconnected with and visits postponed and how I CANNOT EVEN FIND THE STRENGTH TO CONSISTENTLY CONTRIBUTE TO THIS BLOG OF MINE!

Now, as my heart pounds with panic and my brain feels like a hampster on a wheel going full speed towards… what?

This is where I must give my head a shake and go back to being that self-loving, gratitude-having, nurturing person I was at the top of this page.

So, I will publish this little snapshot of how I’m doing a month and a bit after release from the psychiatric ward and I will say to myself, “This, all of this, is better than it was and that is enough for now.”

K

Crash

My body has been screaming, “no!”, for days now and I must give in and rest. This is what I would call a cumulative pain flare up.

I was lucky enough to have my husband’s sister and brother-in-law and their two boys, ages 3 and 7, stay with us about two and half weeks ago and we had so much fun! I wouldn’t change a thing.

I tried to pace myself but wanted to miss out on as little as possible.My nephews are so beautiful and smart and fun❤😊❤ I wanted to spend as much time with them and their parents as possible. 

After the boys left, along with their patents we had my husband’s Mum stay with us for another week, which was great as we get along so very well.

I began to really notice fatigue, low tolerance for going out, increased pain levels, and general irritability during the past week. My husband and his Mum were kindly indulgent of me and incredibly understanding about my limitations. 

As of yesterday, Mum left for home, and my fatigue finally kicked into high gear. Now for the really tricky part. 

I must take care of myself.

This is so much harder than it sounds. There are dishes in the sink, beds need changing and laundry needs doing. For now I must push these items down far lower on my list and accept rest as a priority activity and not feel inferior or lazy.

I find it hard to admit I’ve pushed too hard. I see  people moving through life at breakneck speed and achieving left and right and I want that back so badly. 

For now I must accept my body’s mandatory invitation to rest for as long as it takes to recover. This flare up will end then I can get back to living a little more and inching forward once again.

K

In-law and so Much More

I lucked out in the mother in law department big time. In fact my in-laws in general are all round great folks.

With this post I want to focus specifically on my mother in law, whom I will refer to as Mum from here on out, because I want her to know how much her love and kindness means to me.

The best part about Mum is she shows up. She shows up when needed most and cares for me as though I’m one of her own and she has done so for ages.

My first memory of her going out of her way for me was when I broke my ankle and she volunteered to wait with me at the cast clinic. 

My appointment was scheduled for roughly 11am and I was finally seen about 4 or 5 hours later. She patiently sat with me and we entertained the nurses as she attempted to teach uncoordinated me how to crochet…a skill I’ve yet to master.

When we finally made it in to see the doctor she, rather cheekily, but with damn good reason, asked if he’d be paying for our inflated parking tab. She also put him in his place when he attempted to ignore my issues and feelings. It was this strength of character that made me feel as though I’d found a kindred spirit in her❤

Years later she’d fly out a week before my Mom’s funeral and help me consolidate my hefty to-do lists and get everything done on time before and at the event.  Although my Mom is dead I feel as though I can count on Mum to be there for me despite this devastating loss. 

I feel so lucky to have this generous, kind, and good-humoured woman in my life through thick and thin. I’ve grown to see her as a pseudo-parent/close friend who’s there when I need her most. I can talk with her about grief and chronic pain and mental illness and rather than scaring her away she comes in closer to show her support.

I’ve heard of others who don’t get along with their in-laws and this makes me sad. I resolve to never take her kindness and acceptance for granted because she’s such a great lady and the only Mum I have left.

A huge thank you to my Mum for all she’s done for me and being such a great role model and friend to me. I love her more than she’ll ever know and my gratitude runs deeper than one could ever delve❤

I also would like to thank my husband and his siblings for kindly sharing her with me. This is a generosity I’ll never forget.

K